The Journey to Finding Stillness: Balancing Family While The Spirit World Waits
Life is all about timing. It involves understanding, when to push forward and when to pull back, when to embrace change, and when to just wait.
Looking back at the years when I had two kids eighteen months apart, the thing that worried me most was if I had enough diapers for the day. I was a stay-at-home mom, and life was busy. My focus was on raising kids and hanging out at the homestead until they were old enough to go to preschool.
My mind was so busy during the day that there was little room for anything else. I was exhausted by the end of the day, to say the least. Life had changed; no more lucid dreams, no more scary movies, no more visions. Without knowing it, I somehow put everything on hold, or Spirit just gave me a break, a short one, because they had bigger plans for me and figured a pause in life would be good while I was doing the mom thing.
Did I have a spiritual journey ahead of me? Did I even know what that was? I had no idea what my life would be like and how, when 2014 came, everything would come to a peak so quickly.
Was this my life? When can I live for myself?
Going way back to 1998, I remember the day I sat down in my living room to see if I could be still for just ten minutes, to remember what it was even like to be alone with myself and my thoughts. All thoughts of the spirit world faded away, and it was just kids, school, housework, cooking, kids, school, housework, and cooking. I look back at this time, realizing that 100% of my energy was focused on my family, and 0% was on me.
Motherhood was my job, and everything else had to wait, but at what cost?
There was a point in time when my kids were napping; I finally had some time to myself. I put on some classical music, sat down on the sofa, and wanted to see if I could empty my mind just for a few minutes to remember what it was like not to think about anything and not to run around like a crazy person. I wish I had known about meditation in those years because I so needed it. My mind was a mess, my body was stressed, and it felt like my spirit had left my body.
Within the first 10 seconds of having total time to myself on that sofa, listening to classical music, I started to cry.
I was alone with myself, with my thoughts, and it was frightening.
It was the first time in a long time that I sat with myself. I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like forever, but I’m sure it was just a few minutes. There was a me that was buried in motherhood waiting to emerge, but it was buried deep in the crevices of my soul. It was not time for me to come out because I had a role to fulfill, and my journey would have to wait a few decades.
As busy as my monkey mind was in the daytime, at night, when my mind was at rest, it was a different story. My journey was slowly going to reveal itself whether I liked it or not, and those resting hours at night were prime time for that to happen.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but just sitting quietly for a few minutes throughout the day was a form of meditation. It’s the time you give to yourself when you breathe deeply and release the pressures and stress from the day. It’s the time you take for yourself to listen to your heartbeat and feel your chest rise and fall with each breath. It’s about trying to clear the thoughts in your mind so you can be alone with yourself, even if it’s just for ten minutes.
Thirty-something years later, I still remember those precious ten minutes when I was truly alone with my soul. I had become so disconnected from myself that it took the busyness of raising two very young kids to push me into a moment of meditation, and for that, I am thankful.
The Universe arranged time just right when I was at my wit’s end and intuitively gave myself a time-out to be alone with my thoughts. I remember being so mad at my life because I could not even give myself enough alone time during the day just to be, and that’s sad. I’m not saying my life was crappy by any means; I still have a wonderful life, nearly perfect, actually. However, life’s lessons are presented strangely. To this day, when I feel myself getting all wound up, I think back to those thirty years and remember how good it felt just to be.
TThis is how I still meditate, in brief, rapid intervals during the day, and it truly makes a significant impact. Life is good once again.
Snip-it from by book: From Color To The Cosmos
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